Privates: Sex Ed for Gamers?

File this under: Stephanie will most definitely play this if only to judge.

Zombie Cow Studios has partnered with Channel 4 to produce Privates, a game wherein tiny condom-hatted marines attack STD's. No, really.

Nothing would make me happier than if the game had load screens (hee hee) peppered with comprehensive sex-ed tidbits, but thanks to the press release, I'm inclined to think it will be otherwise:

...pregnant, waddling teenagers take up the full width of the pavement with their oversized triplet pushchairs, unaware that their rampant, perpetual humping has filled them to the brim with all manner of grotty infections.

Hmmm, slut shaming much? What about the - to use some British slang - fuckwits that helped get them knocked up? Hmmmm?

However, if that screenshot is any indication (condom marines shooting sperm?)it might also, you know, discuss contraception and STI's and in this day and age any discussion is a move in the right direction.

At least it is all-kinds of orientation encompassing. To quote:

BRITAIN. Land of Hope and Glory-holes.

Image via Zombie Cow Studios.

How to Become a Gamer in Ten Easy Steps

1. Get a GameBoy for Christmas in sixth grade that you have to share with your sister. Kick ass at Tetris.

2. Babysit kids that have Super Nintendos. Suck at Super Mario and Duck Hunt. Kick ass when you play Pong on one kid's dad's Atari.

3. Get a Nintendo 64 for Christmas as a freshman in college because your mom thinks it will help you make friends. You don't want those kind of friends. Leave it at home, but beat Star Fox during summer vacation.

4. Have a roommate who is the host of a cable video game show. Let your guy friends play her advanced copy of Halo 2 for hours. Get too frustrated trying to turn your head and walk at the same time to play, but insist on back-seat strategizing. Have your roommate tell you that you don't like "first-person shooters" and that you are "an arcade gamer." You will understand the difference later.

5. Get a Wii for Christmas the year you finish grad school. Bowl with your family in the living room, but like getting letter grades in Dance Dance Revolution more. Use a combo of DDR and Wii Sports as your workout routine until you break down and get a gym membership.

6. Buy your husband an XBOX 360 for Christmas just so he can play Left 4 Dead. Believe it is a totally selfless gift, but get very excited about streaming Netflix and playing Hexic HD.

7. Agree to play Lego Indiana Jones with your husband because it looks vaguely like Super Mario and he can "assist you." Become acquainted with a controller that has more than six buttons. Foster an addiction to elevating your Gamer Score.

8. Decide to try out Left 4 Dead because it doesn't seem too much like a horror movie. Spend your first time killing the crap out of zombies instead of spinning in the corner thanks to the 180 function. Like that the game requires cooperation so you are being "social." Boost your Gamer Score by playing a lot. Beat your first Expert level.

11. Give Halo 3 a try. Complete the game. Realize that you are bad at head shots but that blunt force weapons are your bag. Take pleasure in kicking people's ass on Griffball weekends, especially if they have tags like "nofatties."

10. Try the rest of the games in your husband's repertoire. Add gamer blogs to your RSS feed. Talk about video games with your friends when not playing video games. Stand in line for your first pre-order. Start blog.